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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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Next, I head over to Avenida da Liberdade. I’m cruisin’, thinkin’ I’m on top of the world. But then, bam! A pigeon dive-bombs me. I’m dodgin’ it like I’m in some action movie. I swear, Beato-Antonio’s wildlife is out to get me. I’m laughin’ it off, but inside, I’m like, “What’s next? A squirrel with a vendetta?”

Grand jury hands up 195 indictments for March